A Letter To My Cowboy
On October 11th, my beloved husband went to be with our Heavenly Father. Though my heart aches and the world feels emptier without him, I know he’s now in a place of peace and a love he's never felt before. His spirit was as strong as his faith, and I find comfort knowing he is surrounded by the grace of God that he believed in.
As I navigate through my grief, I’ve found that writing letters to my cowboy brings me some comfort and eases the pain in my heart. Grief is a deeply personal journey, and everyone experiences it in their own way. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve, as long as we’re not causing harm to others in the process. For me, finding outlets has been key in managing the pain. In addition to writing, I’ve been attending a women’s Bible study, practicing jujitsu, participating in a local grief support group, seeing a therapist, and journaling. These practices have all been incredibly helpful in navigating this difficult time.
Here are some other methods that can aid in relieving the pain of grief:
Physical Activity: Exercise can be incredibly therapeutic, whether it’s walking, horseback riding, yoga, or something more intense like jujitsu. It helps release endorphins, which can improve mood and reduce stress.
Creative Expression: Painting, drawing, or even music can provide a safe space to express emotions that are hard to put into words.
Mindfulness and Meditation: Practicing mindfulness, whether through meditation or simply taking moments to breathe deeply and reflect, can bring moments of peace amidst the emotional turbulence.
Nature Walks: Spending time outdoors, even if just for a few minutes, can have a grounding effect and help you feel more connected to the world around you.
Support Systems: Surrounding yourself with loved ones who offer comfort, understanding, and companionship is crucial. Sometimes just talking or sitting in silence with someone who understands can be incredibly healing.
Everyone’s grief is different, and it’s about finding what resonates with you and supports your healing process.
To my Cowboy, my best friend,
It’s hard to find the words that truly express the depth of the grief I’m carrying, not just for losing you, but for all the things I never thought I’d have to face without you by my side. I’m grieving not only for myself but for our children, the life we built, and the respect you never truly received from so many. You deserved so much more, and it deeply hurts me that others didn’t truly understand you or know what you would have wanted once you were gone.
But I want you to know, with all my heart, that I’m trying. I’m trying to move forward, to carry the pieces of what we shared and build something new, even when it feels impossible. I feel like God is slamming doors in my face one after another, but in the same breath, He’s opening new ones—doors I never thought I’d have to walk through alone. It’s a struggle, but it’s also an opportunity for growth, and I’m trying to walk through those doors with grace, even when it feels heavy.
As I try to figure out who I am now, without you here, I’m discovering parts of myself I never knew existed. You always saw me for who I truly was—even when I didn’t. You believed in me when I couldn’t believe in myself. Now, I can finally see it, too. It’s not easy, but I’m learning. I’m growing. And, Cowboy, I know you would be so proud of me.
I’ll never be the same without you, but I will make sure that everything we stood for—the love, the lessons, the dreams we shared—will live on in everything I do. It won’t be easy, there are many days when I don’t feel like getting out of bed, but with God by my side, I find the strength to do it, and I’m determined to walk forward with all that God gives me, all you gave me, and all that I know God wants me to do. Seeking my purpose.
I am incredibly grateful for the friends and family who have stayed by my side through it all, and I’m deeply thankful for our kids, who have supported me every step of the way. It warms my heart to see so many of your wonderful qualities carried in them.
Thank you for everything you taught me, for loving me the way you did, and for being my partner in this crazy, beautiful life. Thank you for my amazing name! Where people cant just call me Becky, Its Becky Bailey! I miss you so much, and I always will. But I’m not giving up. Not now. Not ever.
With all my love,
Your Buddy
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